Decision to Bail

The Alpine - It's Really Real out Here The Cirque of the Towers, Wind River Range, WY, from the summit of Pingora, 2016

A partner with a fractured pelvis, a sleepless night shivering on top of Haystack Mountain – why is the aftermath of this climbing season so rough? Where are the celebratory beers with good friends and the success stories? The mountains this year seem to be telling me that this just isn’t my year. This year I have been navigating the foggy question of “should we bail?” A question that is nearly impossible to get perspective on when you are in the middle of it. I’m about to tell you the unfortunate events of climbing in the Winds this year followed by how I plan to navigate this question in the future.

The stories begin on day one of my first personal trip of the year, a ten-day trip in East Fork Meadows, 12 miles into the Wind River Range, where my partner and I attempted Midsummer's Dome, a 5.7+ grade III route. It was my partner’s first alpine climb and her first time climbing the slabby, weird granite cracks that are characteristic of the Winds. I was watching puffy clouds get bigger on every pitch, trying to calm my weather stress, knowing that it is a peak we can walk off and that we were making progress, just not quickly. I was trying not to be frustrated by our experience level and speed as a team. After all, there is nothing I can do to change our performance and I am by no means a rock star climber myself. On pitch 5, as I was standing, belaying my partner from below a ledge, I heard a shriek and a thud. “Oh no…” I thought. “That type of sound can’t be good.”

She had fallen and hit the ledge below her and was in pain. With one and a half pitches left to a walk-off-summit, we started making our way down and after two rappels we were within third class terrain of our starting point. At that moment, the puffy white clouds turned dark and a major thunderstorm complete with hail swept in.

We made it back to camp safe and sound that evening, and, after the sky cleared, we discussed where we were at. We made the decision to stick it out for a few more days, the first of which would be a rest day. On day four, after a long but fun day on Tower Peak, we started off on an easier climb on Midsummer’s Dome. After taking one look at the climb, my partner was already mentally struggling. I agreed to lead everything. Normally I wouldn’t mind, but today I was feeling shaky, tired from the day before. I was tired of mental and emotional struggles… We made the decision to bail. Neither one of us were “feeling it”.

Back on the ground, the decision to bail on the trip as a whole was made, and we would hike out the next day.  I had no problem with this decision, but for some reason I just didn’t feel like talking about it. I didn’t feel like reassuring my partner that it was okay to leave early (for at least the 3rd time), that our friendship was still okay, that it doesn’t mean we aren’t capable of climbing this. I just wanted to be alone. It had been an emotionally charged few days and I was just over it. I wanted to leave at that point too. I was disappointed and didn’t want to talk about it, but I didn’t want to be on this trip anymore. It wasn’t fun. I didn’t feel like being bright and upbeat or supportive. I just felt confused.

You never know what the day will bring. Taken before a successful day on the K-Cracks of Pingora in the Cirque of the Towers, Wind River Range, 2016 Photo Credit: Molly Herber

Fast forward about two weeks, I find myself on Haystack Mountain around 10:30AM on a 5.8 climb that is testing my head far more than I expected it to. I have led this grade before and consider it my “baseline” trad lead grade, but this feels hard and scary to me. We are climbing in two groups of two and are not climbing as fast as we should be. Every pitch is a rope stretcher, even though the guidebook says otherwise and the route finding is confusing. This just is not what anyone was expecting.

“How do you feel about going down? This is harder and scary than either you or I was expecting.” I ask the other leader.

“And leave all this gear?” she asked.

She explained to me that she would not want to bail based off of the pitch we just climbed, but only if we were really not feeling comfortable with the rest of the climb. I asked if she would be okay with leading the rest, because I was tired and felt shaky and she said she would be. She was clearly in a better mental place than I was at the time.

I certainly don’t want a long  list of bails on my climbing resume, especially if there is no clear reason to bail. I can’t figure out exactly why I want to go down and it is only 10:30AM. According to the guidebook we should be through at least half of the difficult sections, so a quick decision was made to go up.

We continue on, but as a party of four with only one lead climbing, climbing this thing feels like pulling teeth. Standing on a ledge, watching the sun begin its descent towards the horizon, waiting for everyone to go up before you can start the next pitch is awful. Watching hours tick by and little progress being made while you are stuck in a small, uncomfortable spot is the worst experience I have ever had climbing. The difficulty remains consistent and route finding remains exciting. It is downright stressful. At this point neither verbal nor physical mutiny will not be productive. We are in this together whether we like it or not.

At 10:30 in the morning, you don’t look ahead 10 hours and consider that you might only be getting to the summit at about 8:30pm. You don’t think about the fact that daylight has a definite end. At 10:30 in the morning, it feels like time passage can only be an inconvenience, not a hazard. At 10:30AM you don’t think that you might miss work in 22 hours. Well, as the last streaks of sunlight disappear and we are still searching for the descent trail, the reality of time is upon us. Time has gone from being a stress, to a frustration, to a scary reality. The world is getting colder and colder and we don’t have tons of food and water, as no one was really planning on this turn of events.

I don’t regret anything in life, normally, because I figure I clearly survived it all and learned from it all, but I really wish I could go back to that moment at 10:30AM so that I could change what happened that night. It was not worth scaring a novice climber by testing how long she could mentally stay calm in an exposed environment. It was not worth how awful I felt for not showing up to work a day camp for kids the next day. It was not worth making loved ones worry about us that night when we didn’t text them to say we were back safe and sound. It was not worth the possibility that it could have rained and only three of us had raincoats and only one of us had a puffy. It wasn’t worth it to have a crazy story to tell. It wasn’t fun, it was stressful, it made me not want to rock climb for a while. It simply wasn’t worth it at all and the stupid thing is that is was completely avoidable, but, of course, hindsight is 20/20.

When you are bailing, you are making a time sensitive decision based on many subjective and objective factors that involves and affects you and only a few other people. It is never easy to be in this moment. I want to figure out if there is a way to come up with (similar to the WMI evacuation guidelines) clear-cut guidelines to bail on subjective factors. Commence “experiment decision to bail – objectifying the subjective.”

I have created a rating system to attempt to objectify the subjective. This system takes into account the five factors that you are always climbing with: the mountain, your body, your mind, your teammates, and time. It can be difficult to figure out when these factors are in your favor or working against you. In this rating system, each of the five can be ideal, realistic, un-ideal, scary, or a reason to bail. I have left in “ideal” and “un-ideal” because I think it is important to be okay with the un-ideal and not to just get in the habit of bailing because something is un-ideal. Remember also that sometimes you have golden, ideal experiences, just maybe not today. Don’t be too hard on yourself when you are in the gray area.

The Mountain:

Ideal (0 points) – This is the best climb of your life, you think as you gaze up at the beautiful crack system above you. Your feet slide in and out of foot jams with ease and the rock is just made to take your protection. You knew people liked this climb, but this is better than you ever expected.

Realistic (1 point) –Route finding is “exciting” and keeps you on your toes, but no more than you would expect. Rock quality is usually good, but every once in awhile you can move a rock. It is protected enough that you are rarely actually scared.

Un-ideal (2 points) – Multiple times you wonder if you are actually going the right way. Sometimes loose rocks fall and you remind yourself that’s why you are wearing a helmet. This climbing sandbagged in spots. Sometimes you can’t place protection and you wish you could. There’s lichen, grass, and or dirt all over the place.

Scary (3 points) – You get to the next belay ledge thanking your lucky stars you have enough gear to build an anchor. This climb is at least a grade above what you thought. You don’t place much gear because either A. you cannot because this is freaking slab, B. none of the rocks feel solid enough for it, C. you just don’t have enough gear. Rocks are falling everywhere. Why would anyone put a route here? Why am I still here?

Decision to bail (veto power) – The climb is sandbagged above what the leader can lead OR the mountain is “scary” for at least two of the above reasons.

Sometimes mountains are, like, really really windy, too. Midsummer NOLS Instructor Course 2015, Wind River Range, WY Photo Credit: Jared Spaulding

Your Mind:

Ideal (0 points) – You are having a blast! Every move you make you reminds why you love this sport. You could do this forever!

Realistic (1 point) – You are nervous sometimes but generally are having a great time.

Un-ideal (2 points) – You feel shaky and keep second-guessing the next move. Every time you get onto a small ledge you have trouble forcing yourself to leave it for the next few moves.

Scary (3 points) – When you close your eyes your imagination runs wild and you imagine the worse case scenario.

Decision to bail (veto power) – You are going into the “panic zone.”

Your Body:

Ideal (0 points) – You feel strong and have lots of energy.

Realistic (1 point) – You feel a little tired after the lack of sleep last night or from the pitches you have climbed already. Your stomach feels a little funky from waking up so early. Who can poop at 4am anyways?

Un-ideal (2 points) – You feel really tired. The last couple pitches or the last couple days really took it out of you. This might be a struggle. Your stomach hurts from stress and waking up too early.

Scary (3 points) – You are exhausted and worried about falling on easy things because you are so tired. You feel a little nauseous from dehydration, stress, and waking up too early.

Decision to bail (veto power) – You or anyone on your team is actually physically injured or sick. (go down, duh!)

Definitely not going about this the most efficient way. Steeple Peak, Wind River Range, WY, August 2014 Photo Credit: Nate Meltzer

Your Teammates:

Ideal (0 points) – They are having a good time and you feel like a solid team! Everyone is on the same page and demonstrates the competence and confidence you expected of them! You feel nothing but support and good vibes from your friends!

Realistic (1 point) – Mostly people are having a good time and are a productive team. That said, you are not BFFs but that is okay. People have confidence and competence.

Un-ideal (2 points) – People seem shakier and more nervous than you expected. People are stubborn to do things their way and time and energy is wasted in unproductive ways.

Scary (3 points) – What is a team? Maybe we should all go bouldering instead.

Decision to bail (veto power) –Were you expecting to have to manage mutiny? It is likely people will leave and hitch hike home tonight and spread rumors about each other later.

Time:

Ideal (0 points) – There are birds singing in the distance, a light breeze, blue skies and you are climbing fast and smooth!

Realistic (1 point) – You are moving sometimes faster and sometimes slower than planned but it averages out. Things are going pretty smoothly. There are some puffy white clouds and wind to remind you that weather can change at any time.

Un-ideal (2 points) – You are moving slower than planned. There are puffy white clouds and wind that are building and you feel stressed.

Scary (3 points) – You are moving far slower than planned and there are puffy white clouds that have gotten bigger and darker. A storm could come before you summit.

Decision to Bail (veto power) – So… It’s going to storm or get dark on us unless we choose to ditch the ropes and free solo this thing.

If your situation does not fall into any clear “decision to bail”, but multiple things aren’t ideal either, when do you decide to go down in this gray area? How many “scary things” outweigh the ideal? If you notice, each statement has a point value. I think the maximum number of points I can cope with and continue climbing is eight and I say this because at 10:30AM on Haystack, we were at a 9 and I wish we had gone down. This could be 4 un-ideal things and one realistic thing as the softest, grayest area bail for me.

So this seems pretty black and white. No matter how strong I am or how much gear I have or what rating I am climbing or happy I am, I think the magic number 8 and the automatic “decision to bail” scenarios can always apply. Your number is likely different than my number, and maybe my number will change with added experience, but your number should not change between when you leave the ground and when you are making this decision.

Of course, there is a bigger picture. How far are you? Can you bail? Is it actually easier to finish the climb and walk off? This factor will generally have pretty good veto power over all “gray area” bails.

I like thinking of bailing this way, because it reminds me that I will move around between scary and ideal all the time and it helps me separate my mental state from my physical state and my climbing partners so I don’t get sucked into beating myself up about not wanting to climb something I am fully capable of climbing.

Super mega ideal moment on Steeple Peak, Wind River Range, WY, 2014

Photo Credit: Nate Meltzer

So now that we have the guidelines, imagine yourself at a “9” and yet the voices in your head are telling you all of the following:

- I (or someone in my group) will regret not finishing this.

- I can climb better than this grade normally, what is wrong with me?

- What will we say to people when we get back?

- My climbing partners seem to want to keep going, why am I the weakest link right now?

- We will lose gear / money by bailing.

- Other people I know have done this. They aren’t superhuman. I can do this too!

- I’ve been in harder situations and I toughed it out then. I can tough it out now.

- I feel stupid for getting myself into a situation where I feel overwhelmed. The only way to fix that is to summit and prove that I am not overwhelmed.

Now that you hear these reasons to keep going, weighed against the decision to bail, maybe it feels clearer that these are not the “objectifyable subjective factors”. These are not real reasons. They are just voices in your head. Maybe now you’ll feel more confident telling someone “I’m just not feeling it today.”

Lastly, I want to reiterate that there is nothing wrong with bailing. I had a thought on Haystack that on a sport climb normally you can project hard climbs, but in the mountains, is the rule that you should only take on what you know you can complete? That seems harsh. How does anyone get better? Am I an idiot for wanting to push myself? Let’s edit this: only take on what you know you can complete or can bail from. You can push yourself in the mountains if you give yourself the option to bail.

On that note I will leave you with some last words of wisdom:

Have fun, commit and don’t look back, take chances, be yourself and ignore the FOMO (fear of missing out for those you who have not spent time with 12 – 22 year olds recently). This is the first day of the rest of your life, and it doesn’t HAVE to be a heroic success because there is always tomorrow. Many people you look up to have bailed as well, they just didn’t tell you about it. Turn the judgmental voices in your head into support and concern for your wellbeing. There are many more peaks to climb and better times to be shared. The rest of the world doesn’t REALLY care if you go up or down at this point.

Good luck out there and may the world give you well deserved bluebird skies and beautiful summits, a strong mind and body whenever you need them, and an amazing person holding the end of your rope who supports and respects you and to whom you would trust your life. I hope you have many laughs and stories to tell. I hope your friendships deepen and your love of the mountains only grows with every time you “get after it.”