Decision to Bail

The Alpine - It's Really Real out Here The Cirque of the Towers, Wind River Range, WY, from the summit of Pingora, 2016

A partner with a fractured pelvis, a sleepless night shivering on top of Haystack Mountain – why is the aftermath of this climbing season so rough? Where are the celebratory beers with good friends and the success stories? The mountains this year seem to be telling me that this just isn’t my year. This year I have been navigating the foggy question of “should we bail?” A question that is nearly impossible to get perspective on when you are in the middle of it. I’m about to tell you the unfortunate events of climbing in the Winds this year followed by how I plan to navigate this question in the future.

The stories begin on day one of my first personal trip of the year, a ten-day trip in East Fork Meadows, 12 miles into the Wind River Range, where my partner and I attempted Midsummer's Dome, a 5.7+ grade III route. It was my partner’s first alpine climb and her first time climbing the slabby, weird granite cracks that are characteristic of the Winds. I was watching puffy clouds get bigger on every pitch, trying to calm my weather stress, knowing that it is a peak we can walk off and that we were making progress, just not quickly. I was trying not to be frustrated by our experience level and speed as a team. After all, there is nothing I can do to change our performance and I am by no means a rock star climber myself. On pitch 5, as I was standing, belaying my partner from below a ledge, I heard a shriek and a thud. “Oh no…” I thought. “That type of sound can’t be good.”

She had fallen and hit the ledge below her and was in pain. With one and a half pitches left to a walk-off-summit, we started making our way down and after two rappels we were within third class terrain of our starting point. At that moment, the puffy white clouds turned dark and a major thunderstorm complete with hail swept in.

We made it back to camp safe and sound that evening, and, after the sky cleared, we discussed where we were at. We made the decision to stick it out for a few more days, the first of which would be a rest day. On day four, after a long but fun day on Tower Peak, we started off on an easier climb on Midsummer’s Dome. After taking one look at the climb, my partner was already mentally struggling. I agreed to lead everything. Normally I wouldn’t mind, but today I was feeling shaky, tired from the day before. I was tired of mental and emotional struggles… We made the decision to bail. Neither one of us were “feeling it”.

Back on the ground, the decision to bail on the trip as a whole was made, and we would hike out the next day.  I had no problem with this decision, but for some reason I just didn’t feel like talking about it. I didn’t feel like reassuring my partner that it was okay to leave early (for at least the 3rd time), that our friendship was still okay, that it doesn’t mean we aren’t capable of climbing this. I just wanted to be alone. It had been an emotionally charged few days and I was just over it. I wanted to leave at that point too. I was disappointed and didn’t want to talk about it, but I didn’t want to be on this trip anymore. It wasn’t fun. I didn’t feel like being bright and upbeat or supportive. I just felt confused.

You never know what the day will bring. Taken before a successful day on the K-Cracks of Pingora in the Cirque of the Towers, Wind River Range, 2016 Photo Credit: Molly Herber

Fast forward about two weeks, I find myself on Haystack Mountain around 10:30AM on a 5.8 climb that is testing my head far more than I expected it to. I have led this grade before and consider it my “baseline” trad lead grade, but this feels hard and scary to me. We are climbing in two groups of two and are not climbing as fast as we should be. Every pitch is a rope stretcher, even though the guidebook says otherwise and the route finding is confusing. This just is not what anyone was expecting.

“How do you feel about going down? This is harder and scary than either you or I was expecting.” I ask the other leader.

“And leave all this gear?” she asked.

She explained to me that she would not want to bail based off of the pitch we just climbed, but only if we were really not feeling comfortable with the rest of the climb. I asked if she would be okay with leading the rest, because I was tired and felt shaky and she said she would be. She was clearly in a better mental place than I was at the time.

I certainly don’t want a long  list of bails on my climbing resume, especially if there is no clear reason to bail. I can’t figure out exactly why I want to go down and it is only 10:30AM. According to the guidebook we should be through at least half of the difficult sections, so a quick decision was made to go up.

We continue on, but as a party of four with only one lead climbing, climbing this thing feels like pulling teeth. Standing on a ledge, watching the sun begin its descent towards the horizon, waiting for everyone to go up before you can start the next pitch is awful. Watching hours tick by and little progress being made while you are stuck in a small, uncomfortable spot is the worst experience I have ever had climbing. The difficulty remains consistent and route finding remains exciting. It is downright stressful. At this point neither verbal nor physical mutiny will not be productive. We are in this together whether we like it or not.

At 10:30 in the morning, you don’t look ahead 10 hours and consider that you might only be getting to the summit at about 8:30pm. You don’t think about the fact that daylight has a definite end. At 10:30 in the morning, it feels like time passage can only be an inconvenience, not a hazard. At 10:30AM you don’t think that you might miss work in 22 hours. Well, as the last streaks of sunlight disappear and we are still searching for the descent trail, the reality of time is upon us. Time has gone from being a stress, to a frustration, to a scary reality. The world is getting colder and colder and we don’t have tons of food and water, as no one was really planning on this turn of events.

I don’t regret anything in life, normally, because I figure I clearly survived it all and learned from it all, but I really wish I could go back to that moment at 10:30AM so that I could change what happened that night. It was not worth scaring a novice climber by testing how long she could mentally stay calm in an exposed environment. It was not worth how awful I felt for not showing up to work a day camp for kids the next day. It was not worth making loved ones worry about us that night when we didn’t text them to say we were back safe and sound. It was not worth the possibility that it could have rained and only three of us had raincoats and only one of us had a puffy. It wasn’t worth it to have a crazy story to tell. It wasn’t fun, it was stressful, it made me not want to rock climb for a while. It simply wasn’t worth it at all and the stupid thing is that is was completely avoidable, but, of course, hindsight is 20/20.

When you are bailing, you are making a time sensitive decision based on many subjective and objective factors that involves and affects you and only a few other people. It is never easy to be in this moment. I want to figure out if there is a way to come up with (similar to the WMI evacuation guidelines) clear-cut guidelines to bail on subjective factors. Commence “experiment decision to bail – objectifying the subjective.”

I have created a rating system to attempt to objectify the subjective. This system takes into account the five factors that you are always climbing with: the mountain, your body, your mind, your teammates, and time. It can be difficult to figure out when these factors are in your favor or working against you. In this rating system, each of the five can be ideal, realistic, un-ideal, scary, or a reason to bail. I have left in “ideal” and “un-ideal” because I think it is important to be okay with the un-ideal and not to just get in the habit of bailing because something is un-ideal. Remember also that sometimes you have golden, ideal experiences, just maybe not today. Don’t be too hard on yourself when you are in the gray area.

The Mountain:

Ideal (0 points) – This is the best climb of your life, you think as you gaze up at the beautiful crack system above you. Your feet slide in and out of foot jams with ease and the rock is just made to take your protection. You knew people liked this climb, but this is better than you ever expected.

Realistic (1 point) –Route finding is “exciting” and keeps you on your toes, but no more than you would expect. Rock quality is usually good, but every once in awhile you can move a rock. It is protected enough that you are rarely actually scared.

Un-ideal (2 points) – Multiple times you wonder if you are actually going the right way. Sometimes loose rocks fall and you remind yourself that’s why you are wearing a helmet. This climbing sandbagged in spots. Sometimes you can’t place protection and you wish you could. There’s lichen, grass, and or dirt all over the place.

Scary (3 points) – You get to the next belay ledge thanking your lucky stars you have enough gear to build an anchor. This climb is at least a grade above what you thought. You don’t place much gear because either A. you cannot because this is freaking slab, B. none of the rocks feel solid enough for it, C. you just don’t have enough gear. Rocks are falling everywhere. Why would anyone put a route here? Why am I still here?

Decision to bail (veto power) – The climb is sandbagged above what the leader can lead OR the mountain is “scary” for at least two of the above reasons.

Sometimes mountains are, like, really really windy, too. Midsummer NOLS Instructor Course 2015, Wind River Range, WY Photo Credit: Jared Spaulding

Your Mind:

Ideal (0 points) – You are having a blast! Every move you make you reminds why you love this sport. You could do this forever!

Realistic (1 point) – You are nervous sometimes but generally are having a great time.

Un-ideal (2 points) – You feel shaky and keep second-guessing the next move. Every time you get onto a small ledge you have trouble forcing yourself to leave it for the next few moves.

Scary (3 points) – When you close your eyes your imagination runs wild and you imagine the worse case scenario.

Decision to bail (veto power) – You are going into the “panic zone.”

Your Body:

Ideal (0 points) – You feel strong and have lots of energy.

Realistic (1 point) – You feel a little tired after the lack of sleep last night or from the pitches you have climbed already. Your stomach feels a little funky from waking up so early. Who can poop at 4am anyways?

Un-ideal (2 points) – You feel really tired. The last couple pitches or the last couple days really took it out of you. This might be a struggle. Your stomach hurts from stress and waking up too early.

Scary (3 points) – You are exhausted and worried about falling on easy things because you are so tired. You feel a little nauseous from dehydration, stress, and waking up too early.

Decision to bail (veto power) – You or anyone on your team is actually physically injured or sick. (go down, duh!)

Definitely not going about this the most efficient way. Steeple Peak, Wind River Range, WY, August 2014 Photo Credit: Nate Meltzer

Your Teammates:

Ideal (0 points) – They are having a good time and you feel like a solid team! Everyone is on the same page and demonstrates the competence and confidence you expected of them! You feel nothing but support and good vibes from your friends!

Realistic (1 point) – Mostly people are having a good time and are a productive team. That said, you are not BFFs but that is okay. People have confidence and competence.

Un-ideal (2 points) – People seem shakier and more nervous than you expected. People are stubborn to do things their way and time and energy is wasted in unproductive ways.

Scary (3 points) – What is a team? Maybe we should all go bouldering instead.

Decision to bail (veto power) –Were you expecting to have to manage mutiny? It is likely people will leave and hitch hike home tonight and spread rumors about each other later.

Time:

Ideal (0 points) – There are birds singing in the distance, a light breeze, blue skies and you are climbing fast and smooth!

Realistic (1 point) – You are moving sometimes faster and sometimes slower than planned but it averages out. Things are going pretty smoothly. There are some puffy white clouds and wind to remind you that weather can change at any time.

Un-ideal (2 points) – You are moving slower than planned. There are puffy white clouds and wind that are building and you feel stressed.

Scary (3 points) – You are moving far slower than planned and there are puffy white clouds that have gotten bigger and darker. A storm could come before you summit.

Decision to Bail (veto power) – So… It’s going to storm or get dark on us unless we choose to ditch the ropes and free solo this thing.

If your situation does not fall into any clear “decision to bail”, but multiple things aren’t ideal either, when do you decide to go down in this gray area? How many “scary things” outweigh the ideal? If you notice, each statement has a point value. I think the maximum number of points I can cope with and continue climbing is eight and I say this because at 10:30AM on Haystack, we were at a 9 and I wish we had gone down. This could be 4 un-ideal things and one realistic thing as the softest, grayest area bail for me.

So this seems pretty black and white. No matter how strong I am or how much gear I have or what rating I am climbing or happy I am, I think the magic number 8 and the automatic “decision to bail” scenarios can always apply. Your number is likely different than my number, and maybe my number will change with added experience, but your number should not change between when you leave the ground and when you are making this decision.

Of course, there is a bigger picture. How far are you? Can you bail? Is it actually easier to finish the climb and walk off? This factor will generally have pretty good veto power over all “gray area” bails.

I like thinking of bailing this way, because it reminds me that I will move around between scary and ideal all the time and it helps me separate my mental state from my physical state and my climbing partners so I don’t get sucked into beating myself up about not wanting to climb something I am fully capable of climbing.

Super mega ideal moment on Steeple Peak, Wind River Range, WY, 2014

Photo Credit: Nate Meltzer

So now that we have the guidelines, imagine yourself at a “9” and yet the voices in your head are telling you all of the following:

- I (or someone in my group) will regret not finishing this.

- I can climb better than this grade normally, what is wrong with me?

- What will we say to people when we get back?

- My climbing partners seem to want to keep going, why am I the weakest link right now?

- We will lose gear / money by bailing.

- Other people I know have done this. They aren’t superhuman. I can do this too!

- I’ve been in harder situations and I toughed it out then. I can tough it out now.

- I feel stupid for getting myself into a situation where I feel overwhelmed. The only way to fix that is to summit and prove that I am not overwhelmed.

Now that you hear these reasons to keep going, weighed against the decision to bail, maybe it feels clearer that these are not the “objectifyable subjective factors”. These are not real reasons. They are just voices in your head. Maybe now you’ll feel more confident telling someone “I’m just not feeling it today.”

Lastly, I want to reiterate that there is nothing wrong with bailing. I had a thought on Haystack that on a sport climb normally you can project hard climbs, but in the mountains, is the rule that you should only take on what you know you can complete? That seems harsh. How does anyone get better? Am I an idiot for wanting to push myself? Let’s edit this: only take on what you know you can complete or can bail from. You can push yourself in the mountains if you give yourself the option to bail.

On that note I will leave you with some last words of wisdom:

Have fun, commit and don’t look back, take chances, be yourself and ignore the FOMO (fear of missing out for those you who have not spent time with 12 – 22 year olds recently). This is the first day of the rest of your life, and it doesn’t HAVE to be a heroic success because there is always tomorrow. Many people you look up to have bailed as well, they just didn’t tell you about it. Turn the judgmental voices in your head into support and concern for your wellbeing. There are many more peaks to climb and better times to be shared. The rest of the world doesn’t REALLY care if you go up or down at this point.

Good luck out there and may the world give you well deserved bluebird skies and beautiful summits, a strong mind and body whenever you need them, and an amazing person holding the end of your rope who supports and respects you and to whom you would trust your life. I hope you have many laughs and stories to tell. I hope your friendships deepen and your love of the mountains only grows with every time you “get after it.”

Yoga Story

Maybe if I whimper a little, she will make it stop…

Nope, I guess not. Okay, just keep breathing, keep breathing. Oh so you are going to push my arms back even further now? If I whimper louder, will you stop? Is this a language barrier…? Like does whimpering sound different in Thai?

“Good! Ahhhh...” She says and releases my upper body which has been folded almost exactly in half at the hips, head upside down between my outspread legs and arms in a fist behind my head, shoulders screaming to me “what are you doing??”

Teacher Muay has always pushed me, but today was a bit exceptional. I might be feeling that one for a few days. My shoulders have become so much more flexible in the last month, so I suppose she is doing something right! I used to think that when I did something wrong and she would say “No!” and then tell me to do something again, that it was a language barrier and a tone difference that was making her come across as bossy, but I think she really means that she wants me to do something different.

The first day I went to this class, I couldn’t do anything quite right. I almost felt like I should apologize for making her come over and fix my poses so often! She would count our breaths slower when we were doing hard poses, and never let me just give up on the half headstand (that’s where you look like an upside down “L”). This detail oriented, perfectionist, and downright drill-sergeant attitude is not very Thai. Thai people are usually more likely to smile and say yes when the answer is clearly no. During this Ashtanga yoga class, though, the “hakuna matata” or as they say, “mai bpen rai” attitude mostly dissapears. There is still the smiling and laughing and there is the occasional headstand that winds up in a summersault followed by giggles, but when you are doing something wrong, you will be told to do it more right, and, apparently instead of whimpering when it hurts, I should just breath deeper.

A full mysore class!

The yoga studio moved from doing led classes every night to doing only my-sore yoga, which means you have to memorize the entire sequence. It is nice because you can do it to your own breath and they will come over and help you practice things you want to work on. For about a month, I thought it was nice, also, because I could breathe faster, try less hard, and do it whenever I wanted, check off yoga and move on with the rest of my evening, still feeling like I got a work out in. However, that got boring and I felt less and less interested in going at all. It became less of a workout because I wasn’t really trying to improve anymore. I also felt a little awkward leaving the studio and blamed it on the fact that everyone was silently doing yoga and so sneaking out without saying anything is what I had to do. I think I was feeling awkward because I knew I hadn’t REALLY done yoga.

I have changed my opinion of this yoga studio so many times. At first I LOVED it! I mostly wanted to feel physically exhausted to know that I was staying in shape for climbing and hiking. Then I just needed a brain break from the constant sound of Thai elementary students. Sometimes I felt competitive and just wanted to be better than the other students. This was easy at first since most Thai women are not very strong. Then I started to plateau and get lazy and I noticed other students were catching up or passing me in what they could do and felt bad that I wasn’t just “enjoying the breathing and simplicity of the yoga.” I got really driven for a while and would go for a 40 minute run before yoga and by the end of yoga was more thinking about dinner and how tired I was than I was thinking about the yoga. At least in my mind I could think “I went for a run before this… I don’t have to be great today because I already worked out.” I started hoping they didn’t notice when I was doing something a little off, so that I didn’t have to do it twice.

The half headstand - was really proud of this one when I got it down.

Well, then the yoga studio posted something on facebook about along the lines of this: “If doing the same poses every day is boring to you and you need new things in your life and you need immediate positive reinforcement, then My-Sor yoga is not for you, but if you are there for the journey and not just the end result, then come practice with us.”

“Oh man, they are on to me!” I thought. “They have noticed I leave earlier every day and just nod and say okay when they tell me to do something different. This post is for me!!! Ahhhhh!!!”

Okay, well, I doubt this was written to me, because at a studio where at least 30 people practice almost every day, the studio does not revolve around me. To think it did would be ridiculously self-absorbed and to think I was the only person who needed that reminder would also be pretty self-absorbed, too. However, I realized I was at this point where I could quit and hang out instead of going to yoga, or I could give it a second try. If I was going to give it a second try, though, I had to actually try. In my very “white girl” mind set, I thought the reason I couldn’t do some twists and things was because I have some belly fat. I literally feel like I have no space to breathe sometimes! My new yoga recipe for success was to run early in the mornings before the heat of the day, eat light dinners, and keep going every day. Well, that was fun and I felt great, but I realized it was not necessary for yoga. I was in fact told that fat was not the problem, that it was my shoulders and that they need to become more flexible. That can only be improved with more yoga, of course.

A beautiful place to spend most week nights.

Well, I found a few real secrets to doing better at yoga and here they are:

1.       Your head really has to be in it.

2.       Don’t deprive yourself of a good sweet Thai style coffee after a hard day of work and before yoga to give you a nice boost of caffeine.

3.       Don’t force yourself to go running and do Ashtanga yoga in the same 2 hour block.

4.       Really try, because you will get better every single day, but only if you really do try.

5.       Enjoy the journey, not just the end result, and I mean it. You can’t tell yourself to enjoy the journey and you can’t just say that you enjoy the journey. You really have to enjoy the journey.

6.       Believe you can actually do things. Everyone’s body is able to do the things in Ashtanga yoga or at least to improve on them (Nate, I am sorry you have a short torso and long legs, I have short arms and a negative ape index, so get over it ; P) and when you do get a little closer every day to something you were so sure your body was just incapable of, it is pretty exciting and motivating.

I put these secrets in words after talking to my friend about her meditation retreat, which I think was a similar experience as my yoga. I was surprised to hear her complain of so many aches and pains. It was a walking meditation and she would walk miles and miles on a wood floor, back and forth, every day. I suppose it really is similar to standing at a retail job all day, except barefoot, which is even worse. We so often see people doing yoga or meditating who look weightless and perfect. We assume that after yoga or meditation we will feel completely refreshed, maybe even reborn. Well, it’s not like yoga and meditation are magic, people. Yoga and meditation are not comfortable and I don’t think they should be, either! In slower paced yoga classes I have taken, it is all about connecting with your body and feeling where you are at for the day, opening your heart, blah blah blah… This Ashtanga class in Thailand can feel like you are ripping your chest open and wrenching your shoulders free of their constrained habits of movement in your everyday life. Your skin hurts when it stretches against the mat because you are kneeling in some strange way or your hands lose circulation for a bit from sitting in some weird pose. Yeah, it’s hard and I wouldn’t really call it “peaceful” but I actually get better at stuff in this class.

Here is what I have noticed about this yoga class’ role in my community here in Thailand. Muay took a handful of Thai women and taught them the Ashtanga Primary series for a couple months. Then, she forced them into doing My-Sor yoga by only having one “led” class a week. If you wanted to do it every day, you had to take ownership over it and memorize it. Through My-Sor yoga, she pushed these women even harder by giving them all individual attention and telling them what they should do. Guess what? These Thai women who with slender weak arms and skinny legs have abs now! They look capable and confident! In her very “un-Thai” yoga class, she got so many women exercising and trying hard and focusing on being healthy and fit!

The yoga studio is not without fun, of course. When it comes to Yin Yoga, the yoga practice where you sit in one pose for like 2 to 5 minutes, Thai people cannot help but start to gossip. I mostly don’t understand what they are talking about, but sometimes it gets translated to me. Usually that means it is about me.

For example:

“I have too much muscle and maybe I should be vegetarian”

 “What do you eat? We want to eat with you so we can eat what you eat and be strong.”

“Do you like to drink a lot?” followed by a conversation about alcohol and its negative effects on your balance, followed by an invitation to a party with lots of drinking.

“Do you have a boyfriend?”

“Do you like boys or girls?”

“How old are you?”

“You are sweet and have a nice smile.”

“Do you want to be my daughter in law, I have a son who is 27.”

“How much do you weigh?”

All said literally during a yin yoga class. They named me “Cateleya” after a flower during yoga one time. Now they always call me Cateleya. Then there was the time that a bat got in the yoga studio and we all did yin yoga while a bat was flying around and people kept pointing and telling me “Batman!” and then some ladies would scream every once in a while when it would dive close to people’s heads! I love it. Then there was the time when they decided to play American pop music the entire time. I believe it was One Direction and Maroon 5 in the background for like an hour and a half. That would never be okay in a serious yoga studio in the states!

I heard that there are different meditation styles. One is silent and serious and tends to be more related to India and Yogis. One is where you sit and smile. I think my yoga studio has the best of both worlds. You can’t get Thai people to stop smiling but apparently some special people can get them to work really hard and take things seriously. I don’t think everyone can, but Muay can! This studio is a place, too, except for the few weeks where I wanted to just finish and go get dinner, where I feel safe. I don’t feel like they make fun of me for being a foreigner or talk behind my back. They are still playful and curious about me, but it is a warm and comfortable environment, too.

Yoga has really helped me to hang in there when I just really want someone to speak fluent English to me and when I want my students to do what they are supposed to do, and when I want my coworkers to stop being spoiled former sorority girls.

Why?

-because sometimes in life and in yoga you have to live with discomfort. Not just the discomfort of things such as “I wish my computer didn’t have a virus” or “I wish American politicians weren’t stupid” or “my hot water ran out and I have to take a cold shower …”

No, sometimes you have real discomforts that get you to the core– like “I absolutely hate my job” or “no one can tell how hard I am trying, this sucks” or manipulative coworkers or someone else getting credit for something you threw yourself into.

In yoga, you have real discomforts too. Not just “my abs are getting tired,” but also, “my shoulders are not flexible yet, they are screaming out to tell me to stop doing that to them!”

Once you start the yoga series, though, especially in Muay’s class, you don’t really have a choice but to finish it. Allll of it. Once you start a job, you don’t really have the option of just walking away. You have to keep going and you have to actually accomplish things. Once you start a class with 30 first graders who don’t speak English, you commit to an hour of behavior management, patience, creative games, etc. You’re in it and no matter how much your head hurts sometimes, you can’t just walk away! Once you land in a country and are committed to a job where most of the population does not speak much English, you are committed to the isolation and frustration of being surrounded by a foreign language all the time, for months on end.

If you stay, you will have your good, rewarding days as well as your tough days. It won’t be a fairy tale happy ending, though, because it is just life and that would be a very high expectation of simple life on Earth, but it will be worth it for some reason or other.

Meditation, yoga, I think it all brings more down to Earth and more in touch with how uncomfortable life on Earth can be. Slowly, we get better at it, stronger, we let ourselves bend a little further, etc. We plateau and then figure out some new trick and improve again.

I think if anyone practiced long enough they could look like Teacher Muay.

On the outside in pictures, our selfies we post on facebook, the person who is doing yoga behind us, we probably all look magical and graceful. In reality, though, we’re all made of the same mortal joints and cartilage, smallish muscles and thin skin. We put our bodies through a lot in a lifetime and really, growing up, life, yoga, etc, are not meant to be comfortable!