Yoga Story

Maybe if I whimper a little, she will make it stop…

Nope, I guess not. Okay, just keep breathing, keep breathing. Oh so you are going to push my arms back even further now? If I whimper louder, will you stop? Is this a language barrier…? Like does whimpering sound different in Thai?

“Good! Ahhhh...” She says and releases my upper body which has been folded almost exactly in half at the hips, head upside down between my outspread legs and arms in a fist behind my head, shoulders screaming to me “what are you doing??”

Teacher Muay has always pushed me, but today was a bit exceptional. I might be feeling that one for a few days. My shoulders have become so much more flexible in the last month, so I suppose she is doing something right! I used to think that when I did something wrong and she would say “No!” and then tell me to do something again, that it was a language barrier and a tone difference that was making her come across as bossy, but I think she really means that she wants me to do something different.

The first day I went to this class, I couldn’t do anything quite right. I almost felt like I should apologize for making her come over and fix my poses so often! She would count our breaths slower when we were doing hard poses, and never let me just give up on the half headstand (that’s where you look like an upside down “L”). This detail oriented, perfectionist, and downright drill-sergeant attitude is not very Thai. Thai people are usually more likely to smile and say yes when the answer is clearly no. During this Ashtanga yoga class, though, the “hakuna matata” or as they say, “mai bpen rai” attitude mostly dissapears. There is still the smiling and laughing and there is the occasional headstand that winds up in a summersault followed by giggles, but when you are doing something wrong, you will be told to do it more right, and, apparently instead of whimpering when it hurts, I should just breath deeper.

A full mysore class!

The yoga studio moved from doing led classes every night to doing only my-sore yoga, which means you have to memorize the entire sequence. It is nice because you can do it to your own breath and they will come over and help you practice things you want to work on. For about a month, I thought it was nice, also, because I could breathe faster, try less hard, and do it whenever I wanted, check off yoga and move on with the rest of my evening, still feeling like I got a work out in. However, that got boring and I felt less and less interested in going at all. It became less of a workout because I wasn’t really trying to improve anymore. I also felt a little awkward leaving the studio and blamed it on the fact that everyone was silently doing yoga and so sneaking out without saying anything is what I had to do. I think I was feeling awkward because I knew I hadn’t REALLY done yoga.

I have changed my opinion of this yoga studio so many times. At first I LOVED it! I mostly wanted to feel physically exhausted to know that I was staying in shape for climbing and hiking. Then I just needed a brain break from the constant sound of Thai elementary students. Sometimes I felt competitive and just wanted to be better than the other students. This was easy at first since most Thai women are not very strong. Then I started to plateau and get lazy and I noticed other students were catching up or passing me in what they could do and felt bad that I wasn’t just “enjoying the breathing and simplicity of the yoga.” I got really driven for a while and would go for a 40 minute run before yoga and by the end of yoga was more thinking about dinner and how tired I was than I was thinking about the yoga. At least in my mind I could think “I went for a run before this… I don’t have to be great today because I already worked out.” I started hoping they didn’t notice when I was doing something a little off, so that I didn’t have to do it twice.

The half headstand - was really proud of this one when I got it down.

Well, then the yoga studio posted something on facebook about along the lines of this: “If doing the same poses every day is boring to you and you need new things in your life and you need immediate positive reinforcement, then My-Sor yoga is not for you, but if you are there for the journey and not just the end result, then come practice with us.”

“Oh man, they are on to me!” I thought. “They have noticed I leave earlier every day and just nod and say okay when they tell me to do something different. This post is for me!!! Ahhhhh!!!”

Okay, well, I doubt this was written to me, because at a studio where at least 30 people practice almost every day, the studio does not revolve around me. To think it did would be ridiculously self-absorbed and to think I was the only person who needed that reminder would also be pretty self-absorbed, too. However, I realized I was at this point where I could quit and hang out instead of going to yoga, or I could give it a second try. If I was going to give it a second try, though, I had to actually try. In my very “white girl” mind set, I thought the reason I couldn’t do some twists and things was because I have some belly fat. I literally feel like I have no space to breathe sometimes! My new yoga recipe for success was to run early in the mornings before the heat of the day, eat light dinners, and keep going every day. Well, that was fun and I felt great, but I realized it was not necessary for yoga. I was in fact told that fat was not the problem, that it was my shoulders and that they need to become more flexible. That can only be improved with more yoga, of course.

A beautiful place to spend most week nights.

Well, I found a few real secrets to doing better at yoga and here they are:

1.       Your head really has to be in it.

2.       Don’t deprive yourself of a good sweet Thai style coffee after a hard day of work and before yoga to give you a nice boost of caffeine.

3.       Don’t force yourself to go running and do Ashtanga yoga in the same 2 hour block.

4.       Really try, because you will get better every single day, but only if you really do try.

5.       Enjoy the journey, not just the end result, and I mean it. You can’t tell yourself to enjoy the journey and you can’t just say that you enjoy the journey. You really have to enjoy the journey.

6.       Believe you can actually do things. Everyone’s body is able to do the things in Ashtanga yoga or at least to improve on them (Nate, I am sorry you have a short torso and long legs, I have short arms and a negative ape index, so get over it ; P) and when you do get a little closer every day to something you were so sure your body was just incapable of, it is pretty exciting and motivating.

I put these secrets in words after talking to my friend about her meditation retreat, which I think was a similar experience as my yoga. I was surprised to hear her complain of so many aches and pains. It was a walking meditation and she would walk miles and miles on a wood floor, back and forth, every day. I suppose it really is similar to standing at a retail job all day, except barefoot, which is even worse. We so often see people doing yoga or meditating who look weightless and perfect. We assume that after yoga or meditation we will feel completely refreshed, maybe even reborn. Well, it’s not like yoga and meditation are magic, people. Yoga and meditation are not comfortable and I don’t think they should be, either! In slower paced yoga classes I have taken, it is all about connecting with your body and feeling where you are at for the day, opening your heart, blah blah blah… This Ashtanga class in Thailand can feel like you are ripping your chest open and wrenching your shoulders free of their constrained habits of movement in your everyday life. Your skin hurts when it stretches against the mat because you are kneeling in some strange way or your hands lose circulation for a bit from sitting in some weird pose. Yeah, it’s hard and I wouldn’t really call it “peaceful” but I actually get better at stuff in this class.

Here is what I have noticed about this yoga class’ role in my community here in Thailand. Muay took a handful of Thai women and taught them the Ashtanga Primary series for a couple months. Then, she forced them into doing My-Sor yoga by only having one “led” class a week. If you wanted to do it every day, you had to take ownership over it and memorize it. Through My-Sor yoga, she pushed these women even harder by giving them all individual attention and telling them what they should do. Guess what? These Thai women who with slender weak arms and skinny legs have abs now! They look capable and confident! In her very “un-Thai” yoga class, she got so many women exercising and trying hard and focusing on being healthy and fit!

The yoga studio is not without fun, of course. When it comes to Yin Yoga, the yoga practice where you sit in one pose for like 2 to 5 minutes, Thai people cannot help but start to gossip. I mostly don’t understand what they are talking about, but sometimes it gets translated to me. Usually that means it is about me.

For example:

“I have too much muscle and maybe I should be vegetarian”

 “What do you eat? We want to eat with you so we can eat what you eat and be strong.”

“Do you like to drink a lot?” followed by a conversation about alcohol and its negative effects on your balance, followed by an invitation to a party with lots of drinking.

“Do you have a boyfriend?”

“Do you like boys or girls?”

“How old are you?”

“You are sweet and have a nice smile.”

“Do you want to be my daughter in law, I have a son who is 27.”

“How much do you weigh?”

All said literally during a yin yoga class. They named me “Cateleya” after a flower during yoga one time. Now they always call me Cateleya. Then there was the time that a bat got in the yoga studio and we all did yin yoga while a bat was flying around and people kept pointing and telling me “Batman!” and then some ladies would scream every once in a while when it would dive close to people’s heads! I love it. Then there was the time when they decided to play American pop music the entire time. I believe it was One Direction and Maroon 5 in the background for like an hour and a half. That would never be okay in a serious yoga studio in the states!

I heard that there are different meditation styles. One is silent and serious and tends to be more related to India and Yogis. One is where you sit and smile. I think my yoga studio has the best of both worlds. You can’t get Thai people to stop smiling but apparently some special people can get them to work really hard and take things seriously. I don’t think everyone can, but Muay can! This studio is a place, too, except for the few weeks where I wanted to just finish and go get dinner, where I feel safe. I don’t feel like they make fun of me for being a foreigner or talk behind my back. They are still playful and curious about me, but it is a warm and comfortable environment, too.

Yoga has really helped me to hang in there when I just really want someone to speak fluent English to me and when I want my students to do what they are supposed to do, and when I want my coworkers to stop being spoiled former sorority girls.

Why?

-because sometimes in life and in yoga you have to live with discomfort. Not just the discomfort of things such as “I wish my computer didn’t have a virus” or “I wish American politicians weren’t stupid” or “my hot water ran out and I have to take a cold shower …”

No, sometimes you have real discomforts that get you to the core– like “I absolutely hate my job” or “no one can tell how hard I am trying, this sucks” or manipulative coworkers or someone else getting credit for something you threw yourself into.

In yoga, you have real discomforts too. Not just “my abs are getting tired,” but also, “my shoulders are not flexible yet, they are screaming out to tell me to stop doing that to them!”

Once you start the yoga series, though, especially in Muay’s class, you don’t really have a choice but to finish it. Allll of it. Once you start a job, you don’t really have the option of just walking away. You have to keep going and you have to actually accomplish things. Once you start a class with 30 first graders who don’t speak English, you commit to an hour of behavior management, patience, creative games, etc. You’re in it and no matter how much your head hurts sometimes, you can’t just walk away! Once you land in a country and are committed to a job where most of the population does not speak much English, you are committed to the isolation and frustration of being surrounded by a foreign language all the time, for months on end.

If you stay, you will have your good, rewarding days as well as your tough days. It won’t be a fairy tale happy ending, though, because it is just life and that would be a very high expectation of simple life on Earth, but it will be worth it for some reason or other.

Meditation, yoga, I think it all brings more down to Earth and more in touch with how uncomfortable life on Earth can be. Slowly, we get better at it, stronger, we let ourselves bend a little further, etc. We plateau and then figure out some new trick and improve again.

I think if anyone practiced long enough they could look like Teacher Muay.

On the outside in pictures, our selfies we post on facebook, the person who is doing yoga behind us, we probably all look magical and graceful. In reality, though, we’re all made of the same mortal joints and cartilage, smallish muscles and thin skin. We put our bodies through a lot in a lifetime and really, growing up, life, yoga, etc, are not meant to be comfortable!